Seriously, Yogi and I didn't have enough money to get each other anything.

Thankfully, my parent's AREN'T poor, and they got me a nifty new camera. I love it. It's red. =]

My sister also (basically) outfitted my entire kitchen with cooking ware. I love her too. Just as much as my camera. =]

There will be a surge of new pictures for about a month. And then my shiny new thing won't be so shiny or so new. But I'll still love it.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, whatever else.

&>

Since we last talked, I moved out of my parent's house and in with my man because the stress I was experiencing there was too great. I became depressed, not eating, sleeping constantly, and only talking to my man.

After moving out, things were amazing, then they started descending, and now everything is looking up day after day. The descending portion of my journey into adulthood was meeting a few people who were our best friends one minute and now they've all turned their backs on us. I lost my job right before I had been there for a year. As well as that, my parents are not cosigning my loans for college, so I will be attending Purchase College starting in the Spring semester, after I claim myself as an independent and receive the proper financial aid. Though those things happened, my man is now holding three jobs, which I believe is unfair to him but he does not complain about. I am on a job hunt. A lazy one, but a hunt none the less. As a couple we are happier than ever, because we have no parents restricting our activities and no roommates prohibiting our lifestyle.

All my friends and family keep telling me, "It doesn't have to be this hard." Honestly, I understand what they mean but, I've never been one to run away from a situation because of a dark day or two. I've worked through everything, with or without their help, and I've gotten myself this far. I graduated high school on my own, which no one thought I would do, and I am finally happy and confident with myself as a person, due to the support of my man.

I owe my friends and family many thanks, at least the ones who have supported me throughout this whole ordeal, and they are few and far between. The family and friends who have not been supportive are no less loved in my eyes, as I understand their actions, thoughts, and words completely. What I did to my loved ones is inexcusable and I do regret the pain I've caused but it certainly gives me hope when I see the people who have accepted my apology and feel for me and my situation anyways.

Most of all, I need to thank my cousin and his wife, Bobby and Sarah. I apologized to Bobby for lying about my man's age and all he said was, "It's ok. I'm really sorry you're going through this." His wife, Sarah, called me Easter morning and left a voice mail on my phone telling me not to think I was an outcast of the family, and if I needed or wanted anything, to let them know.

Also, I thank my best friend of 5 years, Liz. She was always there for me. Never once did she tell me that I was being naive or stupid for believing a man of this age was interested in me. Liz has always been the person I go to for advice because she is amazingly accepting and understanding.

Lastly, I will thank my mother, for helping me as much as she is now, even though she wishes my living situation was different. She's accepted who I'm with, and she interacts with him, unlike many in my family.

I was going to write a long journal entry about the things that have been happening with my man since the beginning of January but, I realized it was pointless.

To put it simply: things got worse, then they got better, and now they are great.

I'm still with him. My whole family knows this and they don't bitch at me about it. The only person who can't let go of his narrow-minded attitude about it is my father. Luckily, instead of screaming and fighting about it, everything with him just goes unsaid. It's easier that way. Maybe not for some people but, for my dad and me, it's so much easier that way.

Life is good.

So, the bubble has finally burst.

5 days after I wrote my last journal entry, my parents found out all the secrets I had been keeping. So, I suppose I can just tell the story now, because it's not like I'll fear anyone finding out that shouldn't.

Three months ago, I met a man. Yes, man, not "guy," not "boy," but man. This man is 28, soon to be 29. He also has a 2.5 year old child. Shortly after meeting this man, I lost my virginity to him. I didn't think it odd that a 28 year old would be interested in a 17 year old, especially this 17 year old. This 17 year old likes to think she's not the average 17 year old. We continued to sleep with each other, and not long after, I was told [by him] that he wanted me to be his "lady friend." I was hesitant because he hadn't yet met my parents, but it was inevitable that he was going to.

One Monday night, after work, I went to his apartment just to see him for a bit, and hang out with he and his friends. All of "his" friends were already people that I knew, so I felt comfortable going over. It wasn't the first time I'd been there, but from the start I felt like it was just a hang out, a place for me to go and chill, nothing threatening at all. So, I went over, not expecting to stay long, but I called my mother and told her that work had been absolutely crazy and that I'd be there at least another half hour. She probably wouldn't have thought much of it, had I not called and told her that at 930 and I ended up staying at his apartment until 1145. My mother knows the store I work at, and she knows that there is no way that it takes from 9 to almost midnight to close said store on a Monday night, being one of our least busy nights. So, I went home, on the way pumping myself up, trying to look distressed and worked up, and went to her room, bitching and complaining about how much I hated my job and how it was ridiculous that I had been there that long and how I wanted to find a new job. I went to bed, slightly worried that she'd find out that I hadn't been there, but I thought the lie had worked. It hadn't. The next day, at the end of the school day, I got a text telling me I was grounded, to go straight home after school, and not to call her at work. Right after getting home from school, I called my brother bawling, asking him if I should lie and tell her I was with my friend Sarah, or just tell her the truth. We decided the truth was best, but not the whole truth. I had told my brother that he was 20, catapulting myself into a nasty web of lies directed at my family and friends. When my mother finally arrived home from work, the first thing she said was, "Where were you last night?" I answered her but only half straight, I told her, my "friend's" house. She asked me how old he was, I immediately told her that he was 20. She told me I wasn't allowed to drive for a week, and I couldn't go to the Winter Dance at my school. The driving restrictions didn't bother me at all, what was one week? But missing my senior Winter Dance bothered the fuck out of me (All the night of the dance my friends were texting me, telling me how much fun they were having. Without me.) After she layed down the law, she asked me, "Am I ever going to get to meet him?" and I told her that I wanted her to meet him, and I wanted my dad to meet him too. So, I took my grounding and accepted that I had fucked up. I didn't bitch about not being able to go to Snow Ball or not being able to drive.

The week after my grounding had been lifted, my man came to my house to meet my parents. They both really liked him, but they both also knew he wasn't 20. He seldom looks or acts 20. It takes the right clothes and the right environment, which can be said for everyone. Of course (I knew this would happen) when my dad left to go back to his temporary home in Maryland (for his job, he's home one or two weekends a month) my mum told me that we'd be going to my aunt's house. So, not only did he meet my parents, but he met most of the people on my mum's side of the family, even a few extras. Everyone liked him from the start, but everyone also figured that he wasn't 20. Even though he and I both knew everyone was suspicious, we continued the gig. He started coming to my house more often, hanging out with my brother and I, hanging out with my parents and my niece and nephew. He even came to my house, and to my aunt's house (mum's side) and my other aunt's house (dad's side) on Christmas day. He hates Christmas. We were good. We got along wonderfully, we had an...let's say "invigorating" sexual relationship, and my entire family liked him, despite the doubts about his age.

We continued our charade for an extremely short amount of time after Christmas. Sunday, the 28th of December, I spent the whole day with him, dropped him off at home and went to my sister's house to have Christmas with her and her family. When we left my sister's house, I called my parents to ask if he could come over for a while to hang out with AJ, Craig, and I. My parents both said no, and I was told to come home directly after dropping AJ off at Craig's house. I knew something was up but I didn't think it was as bad as it actually was. I called my man, trying to devise a plan that we could tell my parents, just in case they saw my car in front of his house during the day (they had been told that we were in Ithaca, watching a movie, when we in fact just drove around town and hung out at his house playing video games and partaking in...various other activities.) We came up with a plan that totally would have worked, if them seeing the car had been the problem. It definitely wasn't the problem. I got home, walked into my house and said, "Are you guys pissed off about something or what?" and my dad said, "We have to have a talk about this kid. Tell us everything you know about him." So of course I went and told them the story that we had been sticking to, of which less than half was true. I said that he was born in Philly (true,) went to high school in England (true,) he met his current roommate after he had moved to Virginia (false,) his roommate convinced him to move up here with him after a while (false,) and that he was 20 (false). Then my dad pulled out a piece of paper and said, "Well, I found out from a 'very reliable source' that he's NOT 20, he's got a 2.5 year old kid running around Waverly, and blah blah blah..."

So, I came clean, there was no point in trying to continue on with the lies. Things that night got really bad. My dad threatened to "kick my ass" and told me to pack my shit up and leave, I wasn't welcome back after that. So, I started packing, and my mum told me that if I left she'd call the cops and declare me a missing person and have me picked up and put in jail for the night. So, obviously, I didn't pack my shit up and leave, but my dad and I didn't talk for the next three days. Finally, on Thursday, my dad said we had to talk. He did most of the talking. I was told I'm no longer allowed to see my man. I'm only allowed to drive to school on the days that I have to work after school, and if my friends want to see me, they have to come to my house, I'll no longer be spending time at my friends' houses.

I don't want you to think that I don't understand where my family is coming from. I don't want you to think that I'm going to choose this man over my family. But I do want you thinking that he'll always mean something to me. I don't know how much of a something he'll mean, but he'll always mean. We plan on talking until I'm 18 and then seeing if my parents loosen their grip on me (doubtful.) It would be absolutely wonderful if I'm actually liked and I'm not being used as a piece of meat, which is what people have been telling me in recent days. The doubts are now in my head, and they'll probably never leave my head, but I'm determined to find out the solid proof. I'm not taking anyone's word. Not even his. I trust no one but myself anymore, so I will find out if he's fucking with me or being truthful.

Hope for the latter.

As things progress, the bubble only grows larger and weaker, soon to burst.

I am not excited, but I'm liking my life a lot right now.

I suppose I've always been the type of person who was more of an "instant gratification" thinker than a "consequence" thinker. I've always wanted to do the fun thing that will get me in trouble than do the right thing that will get me fun later.

Right now, I'm doing the fun thing that will get me in trouble. It will more than likely be extremely big trouble.

There are, of course, two sides.

The first side is that: It's my life. I should start making my own decisions, especially since I'll be legally a grown adult, forced to answer to Sam in a little more than three months.

The second side is that: I'm not yet a legal adult. I still live under my parent's rule, in my parent's house, meaning I answer to them until I'm gone. The trouble I'll get into, and the repercussions from this trouble are for my own good, and will keep me safe, while making me feel like an unintelligent, incompetent child who made a life-ruining mistake.

This fun I'm having, it's not going to ruin my life, it's just socially unacceptable. It's not the norm, and considered "wrong" for many people my age to be participating in.

I don't really know. I'm confused about what I should do, but I'm not confused about what I am doing. Being me, I'll push this to the edge, making it worse and worse every day, only because I want to keep having my fun.

Do you see where I'm coming from, or are you banging your head on the keyboard because I already KNOW this will get me in trouble and I won't stop doing it?